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Citizen Voices is a blog about election politics, written by people like you. Six San Diegans give their personal take on the issues, candidates and propositions.
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Casting Call
I've been poring over the California primary returns for the last week looking for my vote. It's not there. And I'm waiting for a promised call from controversial and very nice Assistant Registrar of Voters for San Diego County Michael Vu.
Confusion loves momentum. Seemingly casual blunders are really just foot soldiers looking to bring on the madness. And so it was that events conspired against my polling station, leading me to cast an illegitimate write-in vote for Barack Obama on the Green Party ballot. I wasn't pranking around in the polling booth looking for a good story to tell when this happened – I intended to cast my primary vote for Obama as a registered member of the Democratic Party. Little things went wrong until poll workers and I were officially irregular.
I have written a one act play about this experience and am now casting performers. A word of special thanks to Michael Vu whose surprise guest appearance transformed this from boring voting story to personal political drama.
Production: SUPER IRREGULAR
Audition: Open Call
Description: ME, super cool guy or girl voter, (22-40)
PATRICIA FABIAN, super nice precinct inspector (40-50)
Middle Aged Guy Poll Worker (45-50)
Cheery Young Woman Poll Worker (20s-30s)
Bored Teen Boy Poll Worker (18-20)
Cosmic Cell Phone Voice of Michael Vu, Assistant Registrar of Voters for San Diego County
Please come with the following scene memorized:
Me rolls out of a plumbing truck in a quiet, Birdrock neighborhood and into a driveway/garage polling place. Me swaggers up to the poll workers' table ready to do that thing for Obama.
Middle Aged Guy: Name?
Me: Chris McConnell, 555-555 Neptune Avenue.
Sitting next to Middle Aged Guy, Bright Young Woman leans over, confirms Me's name, then riffles through a stack of ballots. Bright Young Woman and Me flash glances, it probably means nothing, she hands Me the ballot.
Me gathers thoughts in the polling booth and uses a pencil to mark proposition votes. Me flips the ballot and confusion swirls.
Me: What!? Hillary and Barack are not on the ballot! Who is Jesse Johnson? What is Ralph Nader doing here?
Poll workers look up as they hear a crisp and fleshy smack of hand to forehead – but can't see into the booth.
Key Light on ME stepping center stage, anguished.
Me: What have I done?! Did I re-register as a Green Party member in some kind of earth loving fit at the DMV? I've threatened it before, but when did this happen, how can I not remember? Why!? Why!?
Me slumps in defeat, then gets it together with a steely look and a fake yoga exhale.
Me: There must be some mistake! I will right things! But, I will not leave the sanctuary of my booth until I do at least what I came here for!
With a Founding Father's flourish Me marks BARACK OBAMA on the write candidacy line.
Me emerges from the booth.
Me: Excuse me. I think my ballot is wrong. Maybe I did, but I don't remember ever re-registering outside the Democratic Party?Middle Aged Guy: Your name again.
Me: Chris McConnell 555-555 Neptune.
Bright Young Woman takes Me's ballot and places it aside.
Middle Aged Guy: No – you're still a registered Democrat.
Cheery Young Woman: O! It's my fault. I gave you a Green Ballot.
Me: Oh.
Precinct Inspector PATRICIA sweeps over.
Patricia: Where's the ballot?
Cheery Young Woman: Right h---?
Teen Boy Poll Worker: I put it in the box.
Shock and dismay on all faces except that of Teen Boy Poll worker. Silence.
Patricia: We can't break the seal. All I can do is call the voting hotline. I'm really sorry.
Lights DIM…Dim...dim…to BLACK
A VOICE SOUNDS AS IF ON THE OTHER END OF A COSMIC CELL PHONE.
Voice: Hello Chris?
Me: Yes.
Voice: This is Michael Vu, Assistant Registrar of Voters for San Diego County.
Me: Hi.
Voice: I understand some things went wrong and we're really sorry. Unfortunately there's nothing we can do at this point.
Me: Isn't my vote in the Green Party illegitimate, what's going to happen to that vote?
Voice: Hmmm. It's irregular and I'm going to look into things for you, can I have your phone number?
Me: 555-555-5555
Voice: I don't want to bother you at work.
Me: It's my cell, you can call me anytime.
END OF SCENE
Will Michael Vu ever call Me back? Has he escaped his sordid Ohio past? And what about his controversial boss and former Diebold voting machine sales rep, Registrar of Voters Deborah Sieler? What is she doing about the recently stolen/missing voting machine microchips that threaten the integrity of San Diego elections? Obviously there is serious sequel potential and so all auditioning actors should be ready to sign on for the long haul. (Poll workers Trina and Alma – you are encouraged to audition. Chuck you're too young to be Middle Aged Guy, but I could use a technical advisor.)
My voting experience was an accidental farce, no conspiracy or but keeping a hawk's eye on the details of the voting process throughout this 2008 election cycle is a crucial and messy reality. But like sending a camera snake down a sewer line, it has to be done.
-Chris McConnell is a bookseller, freelance
writer, former high school English teacher and odd jobber
who lives in La Jolla.
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Comments
Hilarious! Not what happened to your vote - but the script. If you could cast a big name for Bright Young Woman and spin out a romantic comedy, you might just have a hit on your hands. However, I’d prefer you go all Brazil with it .
I see Natalie Portman as Cheery Young Woman? She could do big studio production or independent Brazil-esque stuff with equal élan.
I didn’t know you were a plumber Chris. I’m hoping what I assume is a strong stomach will steel your will in getting to the bottom of this mystery (or misery, maybe I should say.) Your determination to vote Barack Obama no matter what may have worked against you this time, but maybe there will be another chance on Nov. 4th. It’s beginning to look that way right now....
I’ll gladly take the technical advisor slot.
Okay, that amused me greatly!
Hmm.. I did have that moment and registered Green.. was given the first Green ballot at 5pm ... thought.. oh.. really?? I’m the only one?.. then I look at the stack.. there are 3 more available.. I sigh.. the earth is doomed..
But.. I thought I could still vote in the Democratic Primary.. hmm.. ta heck with it.. I’ll write in Obama and maybe Green will get a clue and endorse somebody so the loyalist Greens don’t throw away their votes..
I guess I’m glad that I decided against the pain and suffering of going back to the people at the table.. mine didn’t seem nearly as competent as those near Bird Rock.. .. I did hold on to my covered up ballot asking who wanted it and where to put it.. I’d have thought at 5pm they’d have figured that part out well enough.
Look… I appreciate those doin’ the time down at the polls.. but they are human.. humans have a hard time caring about anything for very long.. caring about your vote was certainly on their minds.. but actually paying attention to all the details.. really??
The idea of my Mom working at a polling place comes to mind.. someone could walk in and say they changed their minds.. surely she’d say, “OK.. here’s another.. “ ... or John Doe comes in.. gets his ballot.. comes back two hours later.. checks in again as John Smith.. .. my mom says, “Wow.. you look just like someone else .. same first name too!!.. what? forgot your id.. that’s Ok.. you look like a nice person!”
Let us know what happens to your vote.. Maybe with you and me voting for Obama in Green.. well.. maybe he’ll run for the Green party!
I’ll go arthouse or Gigli on this thing as long as Michael Vu calls me - he was so convincing on the phone - every vote matters and all that ...and I would like somebody to mention the latest on those lost microchips over at the Registrars office.
Alma - Im not a plumber, but a sometime plumber’s assistant - and the plumber I work with would probably disagree with that.
...and Im in favor of Natalie P. anywherez.
Dave - thanks for doing your thing for Trestles
OOOH! Pick me! Pick me! I want to audition for the Cheery Young Pollworker! You’d have to pay for liposuction and botox to make me look like I’m in my 20’s or 30’s, but I’m cheery and really good at nauseating everyone with my patriotic drivel!
Chirs.. no worries.. ..and sorry for linking to it in your blog.. I didn’t have any desire to take away from your words… Anyway, Nathan has removed the link for me… It was just meant as part of my signature.. sorry for any confusion.. ...
Again, great play!! It’s amazing how complicated we humans can make something as simple as voting… especially when we try to simplify it!!
Dave
(signature goes here)